


Remembering Sunday

by eternaleponine



Series: Ghosts That We Knew [29]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Deleted Scene, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 17:08:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7181759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The events of the latter part of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2268420/chapters/9804528">Chapter 45</a> of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2268420/chapters/4982988">Say It Now</a>, from Carol and Jessica's points of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembering Sunday

_This isn't the last time,_ Carol told herself, over and over again. _This isn't the end._

_This isn't the last time I'll kiss her._

This isn't the last time I'll trace the lines of her, committing every angle and curve to memory. This isn't the last time I'll watch her eyes go soft, watch the fight go from her body not because she has no choice but because she doesn't want to fight anymore, watch her surrender all of the soft and vulnerable parts of herself that I never really believed she would trust me with... like her heart.

_This isn't the last time she'll fit herself in my arms and fall asleep on my shoulder._

_This isn't the last time I'll watch until my eyelids get too heavy to keep open._

_This isn't the last time she'll wake me with a kiss._

_This isn't the last time I'll drive her to work, running last because last night's not the last time really wasn't the last time, and this time wasn't either, damn it._

The day dragged, giving her too much time to think about what she was about to do, and what she as leaving behind to do it, and the fact that all of the odds were against them, and that no matter how many times she told herself it wasn't the last time… it might be. 

She didn't let herself cry and she didn't let herself drink, even though she wanted to do both, and she wasn't sure which she wanted to do more. She was tempted to just leave her last (no, not last, _damn it_ ) gift to Jessica on her bed at Mr. Fury's and take a cab, to avoid the possibility of a scene, but to do so would be unforgivable. So she waited, and when Clint pulled up, she dumped her backpack and her duffel into the trunk and climbed into the back next to Jessica.

The ride was too short, and the chasm between them too big for her to figure out how to reach across and find Jess, to connect to her in any meaningful way. Clint pulled into the parking garage instead of dropping her at the gate, and she squirmed. 

"I can do this, guys," she said. "I'll be okay."

"We're going in," Jessica said, slamming the car door.

"Once I go through security—" Carol started, even though she knew it as futile. Why couldn't they understand that she didn't want to make a scene? If they followed her in, if she had to say goodbye... she didn't know if she would be able to hold it together. And she wasn't about to have the first thing she did in uniform be to have a meltdown in a very public place.

"We're going in," Jess insisted, and probably no one else heard it but Carol caught the catch in her voice, the way it cracked and threatened to break.

"Okay." She got her stuff from the trunk and they went in, Carol leading, trying to appear confident when she felt anything but. Almost immediately they were confronted with roped off queues and metal detectors and the impenetrable wall that separated here and now from the future and all of the unknowable things that it held. She stopped, staring at her booted feet for a minute before forcing herself to lift her chin and put on a brave face. She would have to do that a lot in the coming weeks. "So… this is it." She looked at Clint. "Thank you for driving me. I…" 

_This is not the last time…_

She slid her backpack from one shoulder and fumbled with one of the zippers, pulling her keys from the pocket and held them out to Jess. "These are for you."

Jessica frowned, her eyes narrowing like Carol was trying to lure her into some kind of trap. "Your keys? What do I need your keys for?"

"My car." She pressed her lips together, swallowed hard to clear the lump in her throat. "Your car." She took Jess's hand, folded her fingers around the keys, held them tight so she wouldn't drop them. "You're going to need it more than I do. How are you going to get to New York without a car? How are you going to drive home for vacations, or to Boston to visit people?"

"No." Jessica shook her head. "I'm not – I won't take them. It's your car."

Carol pulled an envelope from another pocket. "It's not," she said. "Just finish the paperwork and it's yours. Everything is paid for. Or, well, there's a money order in there to pay for it. It's…" Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked hard to try and clear them, because she didn't want to lose even a second of being able to see her face, the face of the girl that she loved more than anything, who she needed to give this to, to know that she was taken care of in some way. It was all she had to give. "Just take it, Jess. It's the least I can do, considering."

Her head was still shaking, and Carol's heart and resolve were crumbling. She should have gone this last night, but she'd wanted one night where they could pretend that this wasn't all coming to an end, that their lives weren't about to change forever... and maybe not for good.

"You're coming back. You're coming back and you'll need it." 

Carol forced a smile. It actually hurt, but she had to do it. She had to fake it, or break. "I'll get a new car if I need one," she said. "Or... or you'll drive me around for once."

"Carol, I can't accept this."

"You can," Carol said. "I need you to. I need to know that... that I've done something good for you. That even though I'm leaving, you'll be... okay.... or... I don't have anything else to give you. Nothing that…" The words caught in her throat, and she couldn't say anything more. If she tried, it would only come out a sob, and she had to be strong. 

_This isn't over. This isn't the end._

But Jessica just stared at her, and the moment stretched and grew brittle, and Carol realized that she'd been wrong. She'd been lying to herself all along. This _was_ the last time. This _was_ the end.

And then Jess's arms were around her, or they tried to be, but the backpack was in the way, so she shrugged it off and let it fall, and then they were holding each other so tight it was hard to breathe, but they didn't need to be able to speak in anything more than whispers anyway, and all Carol could say, over and over, was, "I love you. I'll be back. I promise. I love you."

She held on until breathing became a little bit easier, and she felt Jess's fingers unclench from the back of her jacket, and they pulled apart, hands lingering on shoulders and then forearms before they let them drop. 

She hugged Natasha first, whispering, "Take care of her for me," and then Clint. "Thanks for all the times you've helped me," she told him. "Thanks for being there when I couldn't ask anyone else to be.

"That's what friends are for, right?"

"You've been a better friend than I deserved."

He shrugged it off, and they made promises about emailing or calling, and then she looked at Jessica one more time but didn't reach out. She'd said what she needed to say, done what she needed to do, and now she had to let her go.

She picked up her backpack and turned away, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other.

_This isn't the last time._

_It can't be._

* * *

Jessica stood frozen, watching Carol's retreating back, her keys still in one hand, the other stuffed deep in her pocket. Her fingers closed around the gift she'd gotten for Carol, something to remember her by. She'd meant to give it to her last night, but she'd chickened out, and then Carol had surprised her with the car and now it was too late.

She was going…

Going…

She almost tripped over her feet as she moved to follow her, to catch her. She couldn't stop her. She knew that now. Nothing she said or did could change what was going to happen right now. 

But she could change what would happen after.

"Wait!"

Carol stopped, but she didn't turn, and maybe she hadn't actually heard, maybe it was just a coincidence, but if she took one step more she would be in line, and someone else would file in behind her and that would be it. She would be gone.

"Wait!" she called again, and she forced her body to move forward, a controlled fall forward until she stood in front of Carol, who finally turned to look at her, her jaw clenched, her lips pressed into a thin line. 

"Give me your hand," she said, pulling her own from her pocket, holding a ring. It was gold, a little wider than some women might prefer, and flat, and engraved in the top was the eight-pointed star that Carol was always doodling. 

Carol's eyes went wide, but she did as she was told, holding out her hand flat. It was shaking as Jessica took it in hers. 

"Marry me," she said. Which hadn't exactly been part of the plan when she'd gotten the ring, but now, faced with weeks and months and maybe longer apart… faced with a choice of holding on or letting go, of embracing the future or letting the past keep her in the darkness… the plan changed. "Not now, obviously. Maybe not even soon. But… someday. If we can… I need to know that we can get through this. I need to know that you'll come home to me. I need you to know that when you do, I'll be waiting. This is… you are… I love you. Today. Tomorrow. Always. After everything… I thought that that had been taken from me. But they can't take anything from me that I'm not willing to give. And I'm not giving this up." She looked up into Carol's eyes as she slid the ring onto her finger. "Marry me."

Carol didn't answer, but the kiss she gave her then was answer enough. That kiss was a promise, an unbreakable vow, and if they never actually went through with it, if they never walked down an aisle or stood in a courthouse or however they decided to go about it... they didn't need to. 

But she would. They would. When Carol came back. 

Not if. When.

"I love you," Carol whispered, her lips still against Jessica's.

"I love you too," she whispered back.

And let her go.

Not forever.

Just for now.

**Author's Note:**

> As requested by Seren.


End file.
